Priest (2011)

This looked post-apocalyptic.

A long War with vampires is destroying the planet. The shift to human success is won with martial arts priests, a Christian version of Shaolin monks. If Shaolin monks specialized in killing vampires. You can tell who the priests are because they have big crosses painted on their brows. Once the humans have won the war they banish the vampires to reservations, afraid to commit genocide and lose political power by contradicting their teachings of mercy…I guess.

So this one priest, he knows the war is going to come again, and the clergy disagree. Several characters continue to proclaim the south vampires will not rise again. Of course this same priest conveniently loses his biological daughter to a kidnapping by vampires. I don’t think you are supposed to know that at the beginning so I’m ruining this perfectly good movie for you. I’ll continue, so the main bad guy is named Black Hat, and he was once a priest. He is now infected and is the first human vampire. What? You aren’t supposed to know that either. So this main priest has to fight the priest-human-vampire-bad-guy before they get to the big walled city and kill everyone. Because the cities have no daylight anymore, but the vampires can travel on trains in darkness all day long. Like the snakehead fish that crawls from pond to pond.

The visual style reminds me of a cross between the fourth Underworld movie and The Chronicles of Riddick. Obviously I don’t care if you ever watch this movie as I ruined it for you already. If you like wire-fu, raspy whispering strained voices, people constantly begging for their lives, and entertaining scenes of people talking in a church – this is the movie for you. The biggest flaw: The main character is almost entirely infallible.



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